Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Tsarnaev Sorry or Just Surly?

Victims and their relatives finally got to hear Dzhokhar Tsarnaev speak today as he was formally sentenced to death for his part in the Boston Marathon bombing of 2013. Now the youngest man on death row in America, Tsarnaev appeared in court looking like a young Bob Dylan, or a young mad scientist, or perhaps some bizarre man-goat with brown flames sprouting from his head.

"If there is any lingering doubt, I did it, along with my brother," Tsarnaev said during his short speech. "I am sorry for the lives that I've taken, for the suffering that I've caused you, for the damage that I've done. Irreparable damage."

Many of the people in the courthouse doubted Tsarnaev's sincerity. Some went so far as to say they didn't believe a word he said. Perhaps part of that skepticism came from Tsarnaev's remarks about how he would spend his final years on death row.

"Hopefully I'll be listening to plenty of Justin Bieber music, because that man is the most talented musician to ever grace this earth," Tsarnaev said. "And if I'm lucky enough to have a TV in my cell, I plan to watch marathons of Dance Moms and Keeping Up With the Kardashians. These fine examples of the dramatic arts stimulate my intellect and help me analyze the world in new and exciting ways."

When asked about his choice of a last meal before his execution, Tsarnaev thought for a moment then replied, "Probably just a large plate of Brussels sprouts, and perhaps some canned beets. You know, something delicious and purely decadent. With a glass of New Coke to wash it all down, because man, that was so much better than the old stuff."

Before leaving the courtroom, Tsarnaev glanced at his audience and added, "Seriously, I mean it. I'm being completely honest here." Eyewitnesses think Tsarnaev might have muttered "Not!" under his breath as he walked away, although they admit that the word was unclear and could have been "Bot" or "Cot" or "Nut."