Saturday, December 13, 2014

Ty Treadwell Dishes on Death Row

I had a great time recently on UMTV's award-winning comedy show Off the Wire, discussing all things strange and trivial about death row. Watch the interview HERE

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Look Out, Elf on the Shelf: Here Comes Whale in the Jail!

In the latest attempt to join in on popular fads, death row inmates can now celebrate Christmas with a new cell block buddy; the Whale in the Jail!

Just like the popular Elf on the Shelf, the Whale in the Jail spends time with death row inmates during the day then reports to Santa Claus each night. If an inmate has been naughty, he might wind up with nothing but a lump of prison-issue coal in his stocking on Christmas morning. But if he's been behaving, the convicted felon might be treated to such goodies as a bottle of pruno, an extra helping of nutra-loaf, or even a spare last-minute appeal.

Because of the item's intended surroundings, it should come as no surprise that the toy's designers used a killer whale as their model.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Newest Death Row Social Media Craze? Cell-fies!

Yes, it's true; not wanting to feel left out when it comes to the public's fascination with selfies, death row inmates have now joined in. But because smuggled cell phones are considered illegal contraband on death row, none of the inmates dare show their faces in the candid photos. Instead they're posting pics of their living quarters, which has inspired fierce competition among those inmates who take pride in their "cell-fies."

Just look at the shine on that stainless steel toilet! boasted a user who goes by the name MadDog7594. Another inmate, who uses the tag NoAppealsLeft, bragged about the hospital corners on his bed sheets.

Corrections officers are concerned about the illegal cell phone usage, but they say the results are to be expected. "I'm not really surprised," said one prison warden. "I mean, they had a lot of fun with that auto-correct stuff a while back, and then they all wanted to get on Jailbook and Snitcher. They may be removed from society, but they don't want to be removed from all the fun!"

Monday, October 20, 2014

Hutchison Takes a Hike

Former inmate Olen Hutchison cheated the Grim Reaper when he died of natural causes yesterday while awaiting his execution date on Tennessee's death row.

Hutchison was one of seven men accused of killing another man by luring the victim to a lake under the guise of taking a fishing trip. The victim, who couldn't swim, was then pushed out of a boat and subsequently drowned. Hutchison and his co-defendants hoped to collect insurance money after the victim's demise.

This is believed to be the first documented case of a phishing scam.   

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Diversity Comes to Death Row

Who says death row is a sealed environment with no room for outsiders?

Well, technically it is. But our justice system showed a flair for affirmative action this week when Raghunandan Yandamuri was sentenced to death in Pennsylvania for the murders of a 61-year-old woman and her young granddaughter during a failed kidnapping plot. Yandamuri, an Indian national, is currently the only citizen from that country to reside on America's death row.

"We're excited about it," boasted an anonymous member of the corrections department. "Each new nationality we bring in makes death row a more rich and diverse society—just like the United Nations, but without all the hate and yelling and fighting. God help us if we ever sink to that level."

Friday, September 12, 2014

Crazy Killer's Complaints Ain't Kosher

Killer Steven Hayes, currently residing on Connecticut's death row, apparently has too much time on his hands. One of two men convicted for a brutal home invasion that resulted in the deaths of a woman and her two daughters, Hayes is currently whining because he isn't being served kosher meals.

“This continuous denial of a kosher diet is a clear violation of my First Amendment right to freely practice my religion of choice, Judaism,” Hayes wrote in his formal complaint. He went on to say that eating non-kosher prison food like all the other men on his block constituted cruel and unusual punishment.

If anything isn't kosher, it's committing a crime that involves sexual assault, arson, and multiple counts of felony murder. Mr. Hayes, here's a news flash: death row is only like an airline flight in SOME ways. There's not enough space, and you'll be cramped and tired most of the time, but the similarities end there. You can't request a special meal. Nobody will bring you a pillow, an extra blanket, or a Bloody Mary if you press the call button. And considering the fact that many flights these days give you nothing but peanuts and a soft drink, consider yourself lucky that you're being properly fed at all.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Third Time's a Charm for Paul Johnson

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again! Those old words of wisdom definitely worked for Paul Beasley Johnson, who just earned his third trip to death row. Johnson was first convicted of a triple murder back in 1981, but his first death sentence was overturned because the jury wasn't properly sequestered. So a new trial was ordered, and Johnson was given the death penalty once again. But due to misconduct on the part of the prosecutor, the second death sentence was thrown out. A new jury was then charged with deciding Johnson's punishment, which turned out to be--yes, you guessed it--the death penalty once again.

While Johnson's future looks grim at this point, he does have one thing to look forward to; just three more death sentence convictions and he earns his free sub sandwich!