Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Prisoners Declare "We Built This, Too!"

In recent weeks, the new battle cry of the republican party has been "We Built This." The slogan is a response to President Obama's claim that many small business owners and entrepreneurs have enjoyed success because of the help they received from others.

That same battle cry is now being heard in prisons across the country, where convicts want due credit for their own accomplishments.

"Those republicans know what they're talking about," said Steve "Wildman" Orwitz, now serving 20 years for armed robbery. "I mean, when I build a shank, all the work that goes into it is mine. I'm the one who spends hours and hours scraping that spoon against the concrete to get it nice and sharp. Who cares if Butch loans me some duct tape for the handle and Tiny keeps an eye out for the guards while I do it? All the labor is mine, and I end up with a quality American product. Believe me, you won't find shanks like that in China."

"Amen, brother," agreed convicted killer Mike "The Hammer" Wilson. "I'm the one who squatted in the corner of my cell with a lighter for three hours, melting the end of that toothbrush and pressing the soft plastic against the floor to make a nice, sharp point on the end. Sure, I stole the toothbrush from my cellmate and one of the guys in my prison gang loaned me the lighter, but it was my industrious nature that turned that toothbrush into an instrument of death."

A prisoner known only as "Crazy Bill" added, "Yeah, man, them democrats don't know what they're talking about with all this "It Takes a Cell Block" nonsense. It don't take a cell block to make a homemade spear from bed springs and a rolled-up newspaper. Just one bright, motivated convict with time on his hands and rage in his heart. And we got plenty of them in here." 

 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Olympics Fever Hits Death Row

There’s a fever running rampant through our nation’s prison system, but it’s nothing for those overworked jailhouse doctors to worry about; I’m talking about Olympic fever.

Not even the drudgery of life on death row can dampen an inmate’s enthusiasm for the world’s greatest sports spectacle. In fact, one group of convicts is trying to organize their own version of the Olympic Games right inside the prison.

“We thought it might be fun, but it’s tough to come up with an approved list of events,” said a prison spokesman. “Sports like archery, fencing, and the javelin toss had to be excluded right away, for obvious reasons, but other sports could be potentially dangerous as well. Some of these convicts are crafty. They could turn a badminton racquet or a table tennis paddle into a lethal weapon in a heartbeat.”

Prison officials urged inmates to try “safe” events such as gymnastics, but were met with little enthusiasm. “These guys don’t know a thing about parallel bars or horizontal bars—just prison bars,” the spokesman confided, “and none of them have ever performed a floor routine, although some of the ones on work detail have performed a mop-the-floor routine quite a few times.”

The convicts volunteered to create their own list of events, but these were immediately vetoed by the warden. “Events like Synchronized Shanking and the 100-Meter Escape Attempt were considered far too risky. Going for the gold is one thing; going for the top of the prison wall is quite another.”