Friday, November 14, 2014

Newest Death Row Social Media Craze? Cell-fies!

Yes, it's true; not wanting to feel left out when it comes to the public's fascination with selfies, death row inmates have now joined in. But because smuggled cell phones are considered illegal contraband on death row, none of the inmates dare show their faces in the candid photos. Instead they're posting pics of their living quarters, which has inspired fierce competition among those inmates who take pride in their "cell-fies."

Just look at the shine on that stainless steel toilet! boasted a user who goes by the name MadDog7594. Another inmate, who uses the tag NoAppealsLeft, bragged about the hospital corners on his bed sheets.

Corrections officers are concerned about the illegal cell phone usage, but they say the results are to be expected. "I'm not really surprised," said one prison warden. "I mean, they had a lot of fun with that auto-correct stuff a while back, and then they all wanted to get on Jailbook and Snitcher. They may be removed from society, but they don't want to be removed from all the fun!"

Monday, October 20, 2014

Hutchison Takes a Hike

Former inmate Olen Hutchison cheated the Grim Reaper when he died of natural causes yesterday while awaiting his execution date on Tennessee's death row.

Hutchison was one of seven men accused of killing another man by luring the victim to a lake under the guise of taking a fishing trip. The victim, who couldn't swim, was then pushed out of a boat and subsequently drowned. Hutchison and his co-defendants hoped to collect insurance money after the victim's demise.

This is believed to be the first documented case of a phishing scam.   

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Diversity Comes to Death Row

Who says death row is a sealed environment with no room for outsiders?

Well, technically it is. But our justice system showed a flair for affirmative action this week when Raghunandan Yandamuri was sentenced to death in Pennsylvania for the murders of a 61-year-old woman and her young granddaughter during a failed kidnapping plot. Yandamuri, an Indian national, is currently the only citizen from that country to reside on America's death row.

"We're excited about it," boasted an anonymous member of the corrections department. "Each new nationality we bring in makes death row a more rich and diverse society—just like the United Nations, but without all the hate and yelling and fighting. God help us if we ever sink to that level."

Friday, September 12, 2014

Crazy Killer's Complaints Ain't Kosher

Killer Steven Hayes, currently residing on Connecticut's death row, apparently has too much time on his hands. One of two men convicted for a brutal home invasion that resulted in the deaths of a woman and her two daughters, Hayes is currently whining because he isn't being served kosher meals.

“This continuous denial of a kosher diet is a clear violation of my First Amendment right to freely practice my religion of choice, Judaism,” Hayes wrote in his formal complaint. He went on to say that eating non-kosher prison food like all the other men on his block constituted cruel and unusual punishment.

If anything isn't kosher, it's committing a crime that involves sexual assault, arson, and multiple counts of felony murder. Mr. Hayes, here's a news flash: death row is only like an airline flight in SOME ways. There's not enough space, and you'll be cramped and tired most of the time, but the similarities end there. You can't request a special meal. Nobody will bring you a pillow, an extra blanket, or a Bloody Mary if you press the call button. And considering the fact that many flights these days give you nothing but peanuts and a soft drink, consider yourself lucky that you're being properly fed at all.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Third Time's a Charm for Paul Johnson

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again! Those old words of wisdom definitely worked for Paul Beasley Johnson, who just earned his third trip to death row. Johnson was first convicted of a triple murder back in 1981, but his first death sentence was overturned because the jury wasn't properly sequestered. So a new trial was ordered, and Johnson was given the death penalty once again. But due to misconduct on the part of the prosecutor, the second death sentence was thrown out. A new jury was then charged with deciding Johnson's punishment, which turned out to be--yes, you guessed it--the death penalty once again.

While Johnson's future looks grim at this point, he does have one thing to look forward to; just three more death sentence convictions and he earns his free sub sandwich!

Monday, December 9, 2013

The Clock is Ticking for Billy Ray Irick

After a long stretch on Tennessee's death row, time is finally running out for convicted killer Billy Ray Irick. Sentenced to death for the rape and murder of a seven-year-old girl, Irick has been awaiting execution for an astounding 27 years. But on January 15th, that long wait will finally come to an end.

Despite overwhelming evidence, Irick's lawyers withdrew an insanity defense originally filed at the beginning of his trial. Perhaps they considered it normal behavior for someone to hear and obey voices in their head--sometimes referred to by Irick as "the devil," and other times simply as "the voice." They might've also seen nothing wrong with Irick chasing a girl down the street with a machete just because he didn't like the way she looked, or Irick's constant fear that the police would break into his home and kill him with chainsaws. Irick also once destroyed a television with an axe, and cut his sister's pajamas off of her with a razor while she slept.

But while sanity is subjective, inevitability is not. Only one month remains before Irick pays the ultimate penalty for his crimes.

UPDATE: Apparently that clock will keep on ticking just a little bit longer. Irick's execution has been rescheduled for October 7.

UPDATED UPDATE: Irick's execution has now been pushed back indefinitely as the state of Tennessee wrangles with red tape regarding its method of execution.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Franklin's Fashionable Follicles

Not many serial killers can claim to have as many hairstyles as they had victims, but Joseph Paul Franklin was the exception. Although none of the styles he experimented with were ever as popular as The Rachael, The Mullet, or even that weird thing Miley Cyrus does when she twists her hair into those stubby blonde horns, Franklin was still a man who knew how to turn heads on the death row cell block--even if the brains inside those heads were thinking, "What the hell has Franklin done now?"