Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Pokemon Go Comes to Death Row

It was bound to happen; Pokemon Go is the hottest app in the nation, and even our condemned prisoners have gone wild for the addictive game. Now a special death row version called Pokemon Row is sending murderers and other felons scampering through the cell blocks as they try to catch whimsical characters such as Shankyu and Jailbird. Several executions were recently delayed when prison officials joined in on the fun, chasing the colorful creatures around the death chamber instead of performing their court-appointed duties, and one killer made this final statement prior to his lethal injection: "I regret shooting those three people during the liquor store robbery...but I REALLY regret not finding Noosemoose this morning, because I know that little bugger was hiding somewhere in my cell!"


Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Broom Bristles at New Execution Ruling

Convicted killer Romell Broom (who shares a name with the cleaning tool used by the Nazis to brush sand off their tanks during the desert campaigns of World War II) received bad news today when the state of Ohio decreed that Broom was once again eligible for execution following a botched attempt in 2009. During that failed episode, prison officials tried for two hours to find a suitable vein to inject the lethal drugs into, but their efforts were...well, in vain.

Rumor had it that Broom ingested an entire box of antihistamines the day before to dehydrate himself and shrink his veins, but one of his attorneys---the unfortunately named Adele Shank---disputed that charge (Several of Shank's clients received harsh punishments for smuggling a shank into prison before the warden realized that these were just standard attorney-client meetings).

Broom is now eligible for a second execution attempt, despite the fact that he was stuck with needles at least 18 times during the last try, causing him to cry and scream. One of the state's prosecutors swore that the execution team wasn't trying to hurt Broom---they were merely trying to kill him.       

Sunday, November 1, 2015

The Hole Truth About Ernest Lee Johnson

Death row inmate Ernest Lee Johnson, scheduled for execution in the state of Missouri next week, has made an interesting last-minute appeal to save his life. Johnson claims that a small hole in his skull--the result of an operation to remove a tumor back in 2008--should disqualify him from his death sentence because of complications that might arise during the lethal injection procedure.

I find Johnson's argument specious at best, and here's why. First of all, readers of Last Suppers: Famous Final Meals from Death Row already know that anyone with the middle name Lee shouldn't be trusted to begin with. Second, if a hole in the head prevented people from meeting their obligations, then many politicians and a fair amount of reality TV show producers would be claiming the same privileges on a daily basis.

Incidentally, Johnson received his death sentence for a gruesome triple homicide during which the victims were beaten with a hammer, stabbed with a screwdriver, and shot.