Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Tsarnaev Sorry or Just Surly?

Victims and their relatives finally got to hear Dzhokhar Tsarnaev speak today as he was formally sentenced to death for his part in the Boston Marathon bombing of 2013. Now the youngest man on death row in America, Tsarnaev appeared in court looking like a young Bob Dylan, or a young mad scientist, or perhaps some bizarre man-goat with brown flames sprouting from his head.

"If there is any lingering doubt, I did it, along with my brother," Tsarnaev said during his short speech. "I am sorry for the lives that I've taken, for the suffering that I've caused you, for the damage that I've done. Irreparable damage."

Many of the people in the courthouse doubted Tsarnaev's sincerity. Some went so far as to say they didn't believe a word he said. Perhaps part of that skepticism came from Tsarnaev's remarks about how he would spend his final years on death row.

"Hopefully I'll be listening to plenty of Justin Bieber music, because that man is the most talented musician to ever grace this earth," Tsarnaev said. "And if I'm lucky enough to have a TV in my cell, I plan to watch marathons of Dance Moms and Keeping Up With the Kardashians. These fine examples of the dramatic arts stimulate my intellect and help me analyze the world in new and exciting ways."

When asked about his choice of a last meal before his execution, Tsarnaev thought for a moment then replied, "Probably just a large plate of Brussels sprouts, and perhaps some canned beets. You know, something delicious and purely decadent. With a glass of New Coke to wash it all down, because man, that was so much better than the old stuff."

Before leaving the courtroom, Tsarnaev glanced at his audience and added, "Seriously, I mean it. I'm being completely honest here." Eyewitnesses think Tsarnaev might have muttered "Not!" under his breath as he walked away, although they admit that the word was unclear and could have been "Bot" or "Cot" or "Nut."

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Failure to Execute

It's a busy time in the world of capital punishment. Three people sentenced to death have died over the past three days---yet none of them were executed.

Nebraska cult killer Michael Ryan got the ball rolling on Sunday. Ryan had been sitting on death row for nearly 30 years when he died of natural causes, reportedly related to brain cancer. 

On Monday, Michael Lamont Jones kept the streak alive when he committed suicide in his cell. Jones had been on death row in California since 1991 after killing a pizza shop employee during a robbery. 

The trend continued on Tuesday when Paula Cooper (pictured here), once the youngest inmate on Indiana's death row, took her own life as well. Cooper had been released from prison in 2013 after a successful appeal, but served 27 years on death row prior to that.

Prison authorities have reported sightings of the Grim Reaper lingering in dim hallways, twiddling his thumbs and looking bored.    

Friday, May 15, 2015

From "One Direction" to Lethal Injection

Well, it looks like Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has gone from "that killer in prison who looks like a member of One Direction" to "that killer on death row who looks like a member of One Direction."

Tsarnaev received a well-deserved death penalty conviction today for his part in the Boston Marathon bombing of 2013, which killed three people and injured over 250 more. 

After his eventual execution, the one direction Tsarnaev will be headed is straight down, if you catch my meaning.

At the present time, no members of the band One Direction have been accused of--or found guilty of--any capital crimes.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Ty Treadwell Dishes on Death Row

I had a great time recently on UMTV's award-winning comedy show Off the Wire, discussing all things strange and trivial about death row. Watch the interview HERE

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Look Out, Elf on the Shelf: Here Comes Whale in the Jail!

In the latest attempt to join in on popular fads, death row inmates can now celebrate Christmas with a new cell block buddy; the Whale in the Jail!

Just like the popular Elf on the Shelf, the Whale in the Jail spends time with death row inmates during the day then reports to Santa Claus each night. If an inmate has been naughty, he might wind up with nothing but a lump of prison-issue coal in his stocking on Christmas morning. But if he's been behaving, the convicted felon might be treated to such goodies as a bottle of pruno, an extra helping of nutra-loaf, or even a spare last-minute appeal.

Because of the item's intended surroundings, it should come as no surprise that the toy's designers used a killer whale as their model.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Newest Death Row Social Media Craze? Cell-fies!

Yes, it's true; not wanting to feel left out when it comes to the public's fascination with selfies, death row inmates have now joined in. But because smuggled cell phones are considered illegal contraband on death row, none of the inmates dare show their faces in the candid photos. Instead they're posting pics of their living quarters, which has inspired fierce competition among those inmates who take pride in their "cell-fies."

Just look at the shine on that stainless steel toilet! boasted a user who goes by the name MadDog7594. Another inmate, who uses the tag NoAppealsLeft, bragged about the hospital corners on his bed sheets.

Corrections officers are concerned about the illegal cell phone usage, but they say the results are to be expected. "I'm not really surprised," said one prison warden. "I mean, they had a lot of fun with that auto-correct stuff a while back, and then they all wanted to get on Jailbook and Snitcher. They may be removed from society, but they don't want to be removed from all the fun!"

Monday, October 20, 2014

Hutchison Takes a Hike

Former inmate Olen Hutchison cheated the Grim Reaper when he died of natural causes yesterday while awaiting his execution date on Tennessee's death row.

Hutchison was one of seven men accused of killing another man by luring the victim to a lake under the guise of taking a fishing trip. The victim, who couldn't swim, was then pushed out of a boat and subsequently drowned. Hutchison and his co-defendants hoped to collect insurance money after the victim's demise.

This is believed to be the first documented case of a phishing scam.